The Theory of Relativity

Life is a constant learning experience, isn’t it? Here I am tonight, innocently watching Uruguay and Italy play soccer in the FIFA tournament, when what do I see but an extreme example of the theory of relativity. It appears that one of the players, upset about something – and he’s been upset in this way at least three times before – reaches over and bites the person he’s upset with, a member of the opposite team. Does he get reprimanded? Does he get pulled from the game? Does he get a penalty at all? No! While the entire world watched and saw his opponent get bitten – and he flagrantly ran around showing his shoulder to anyone who would look – the referee (is that what they’re called in soccer?) apparently didn’t see a thing and thus could not call him on a penalty. The game continued, and Suarez was even instrumental in his team achieving their game winning goal. Instead of sitting in a penalty box (or at least that’s what they call it in hockey) he was being lauded for his achievements in the game. The bite? That was nothing. Too much fuss made of it, he said later.

Now, I don’t know about you, but here’s what I’ve just learned: If you’re a handsomely paid professional and international player of sports you can bite someone whenever the mood strikes you and put it down to “that’s what happens on the pitch.” (I did learn that word.) You get riled, you take a piece out of someone. With your mouth. It’s natural. We’re men. That’s how we handle the excitement.

If you’re a three-year old child,however – and don’t forget they’re watching all this nonsense right along with us – and you take a bite out of someone – and you do it consistently, as Suarez has – you are quickly labelled with a character flaw, sent to specialists, and perhaps even put on some kind of tranquilizing drug because of course, as we all know, biting is antisocial and very aggressive behavior. Unless you’re a professional athlete. Then, you’
re simply excited.

This is making me very sorry for the state of professional sports (as
if I wasn’t already), and very upset about how this all went down. Excuse me a moment. I need to bite something.